Have you ever “othered” someone…?

It’s that terrible habit we all have at times. 

You shut down people who don’t agree with you on every single point. You lay in wait for that “other” to make a mistake, trip up. You don’t give them any space to be themselves.

Instead of working on yourself, you focus your energy, your judgment, your criticism on that “other” in your sphere. You work hard to bend people to your way of thinking, leaping to conclusions, and quashing divergent viewpoints.

In an increasingly polarized society, any chance for meaningful, transformative dialogue will vanish in an “other” atmosphere. It’s imperative that we give each other space.

Don’t believe me? Here’s what I mean…

Two times I got “othered” back-to-back

Years ago I shared my observations about a white football player who supported a black teammate’s silent and respectful protest.

I got instant push-back from a reader who pointed out there was something about that athlete – relating to sports in Canada – of which I wasn’t aware. His only comment was a correction.

In fact, I’d hoped to demonstrate that one doesn’t have to be a member of a marginalized group in our society to advocate for it. Fidelity to a cause didn’t require membership.

I shared an image of a “doctor” who bought enslaved women in order to experiment on them – without anesthesia. He’s known as the father of gynecology. 

In the image, two women are shown peeking around the curtain while the doctor experiments on a patient.

My intent was to illustrate that injustices are happening right under our white, entitled noses and we often choose not to intervene. That our complicity compounds the problems facing those living on the margins.

The reader who saw me as the “other” admonished me for not knowing the women’s names were Betsy and Lucy. She asserted that credit was rarely given to the fact that they, too, were slaves there against their will.

When public commentary goes to the dogs

In both of these cases, my readers had missed my point completely. They focussed on details that weren’t germane to my argument.

It’s unfortunate and ironic. I was advocating for tolerance and understanding and met with criticism and judgment.

In the echo-chamber of social media, there are some bright lights…that can be dimmed or extinguished innocently, albeit carelessly.

Take the Good Samaritan who rescued a stray dog during the floods in Houston. They shared a post on Facebook pleading for the community to help find the dog’s owner. In the picture was the frightened dog and its rescuer feeding it cat food.

Touching, right? A sign that people can step in and help. A non-dog owner making the best of a difficult situation and sharing their cat’s food with the poor pup.

Notes of praise came in…but It didn’t take long for a commentator to point out that cat food is bad for dogs. The Good Sam was shamed for their “mistake”. Do you know what else is bad for dogs? Floods. Starvation.

Why did this individual feel the need to make such a comment?

In order to be righteous? To appear knowledgeable? To claim superiority?

Perhaps, by now, you have a sinking feeling in your stomach. You’re realizing that you’ve “othered” someone this way. It’s time to start working on yourself instead of focussing on fixing others.

Just give people space

Days after Prince’s funeral, Van Jones addressed students at Humboldt State University. He said, “The left has gotten so good at tearing things down, I don’t know if we know how to build anything anymore.”

He had – still has – a point.

If you’re working on yourself – if you’re genuine in your desire to build something new, better, progressive, and inclusive – you’ll have to meet people where they’re at with some degree of compassion. You’ll have to stop looking for the chinks in their armor. 

Don’t worry about the person’s backstory. It might be relevant, but it’s not always the best starting point for a conversation. Their backstory may cloud your judgment about their stance on the issue at hand. Just as a person’s past can be an inspiration for joining a movement, it can also be a good reason for extracting themselves from one. People can change their minds…

If you actively listen to the message that person across the aisle from you is trying to convey, you have a fighting chance of gaining understanding…even consensus. 

If you pounce on their first misstep, throw a spotlight on their knowledge gaps, admonish them for actions or words that are a tangent from the issue at hand, you’re surrendering your opportunity to learn and grow.

Working on yourself means practicing discipline, honing your listening skills, and seeking understanding, not dominance.

If we got a do-over

Think about the ways my detractors could have responded to my posts about social issues. What if they got to do it all over again, differently…

“Dear Jess, thanks for throwing a spotlight on the #blacklivesmatter movement. There are some details about that player you might not know, I realize you’re not much of a sports person. Here’s what I know about that situation…”

“Dear Jess, I’m glad you’re tackling the issue of membership and social justice, and the role white women have to play. #Funfact: those two women in the picture could be two of the doctor’s slaves, Betsy and Lucy. Not many people mention that when sharing this image.”

“Dear Good Samaritan, that was so kind of you to rescue that poor dog. I just wanted to remind you and your followers that cat food isn’t suitable for dogs in normal circumstances. I realize it was your only alternative, though, and I’m going to share your post so this pup finds its people. Thanks again for helping this dog and its family.”

Was that so hard? Now, we’ve been sent on a journey of exploration. We’ve been invited to expand our knowledge and understanding of the whole issue, not just the parts that live on the surface.

It all matters, but…

Right now we’re in the middle of a competition about who or what #matters the most. 

It doesn’t have to be a competition. It can be informed, continual conversations about systemic problems in society: racial injustice, gender-identity discrimination, economic imbalance, environmental instability.

There’s space for all these conversations to happen. If we all commit to working on ourselves first, listening intently second, and choose action over indifference, true growth and progress are achievable.